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An off-platform profile

LinkedIn is
for the weak.

— posted at 3:12am, between tickets
The witch, arms open, in a patterned indigo coat
Cover photo: me, explaining to the SOC that it was a fisherman.
Profile photo: the witch tipping his hat, face fully hidden

The Black Little Riding Hat

Cyber witch · Full-time ticket closer · Does not do happy hour
The City (it is eating him alive) · 0 connections · 4,812 open tickets
No face in the profile pic. The hat is the face.
He doesn’t connect. He resolves. Your request has been added to the queue (position 4,813).
“Stubborn little punk. But well… that’s sweet.” Queue prioritized. Ransomware notified.
Open to: real threats only Not open to: drinks #NotHiring #NotHired #JustWorking

About

I don’t network. I work the queue. Alerts at every corner, threats on every street, and every single one of them shouts like it’s the end of the world.

I have answered all of them. Personally. Running. Usually to find a fisherman, a puppet with opinions, or an office that would like me to relax.

Then a kid in a werewolf costume handed me a treat. I said I didn’t have time for games. I was wrong. Now I only fly for the real ones.

…see less (there is no more. that’s it.)

Experience

Ransomware Hunter
The Sky, above The City · Since one treat – present
Took one bite. Every ticket around me lined up in order, with a reason attached. Picked the one that mattered and flew. Ransomware no longer returns my calls.
Phishing Response Lead (Freelance, Very Briefly)
Street corner · 4 minutes
Sprinted across town to stop an active phishing attack. Apprehended a fisherman. In hindsight, I should have read the ticket twice. Key learning: spelling is a security control.
Access Approval Mediator
A home office · Felt like years
Mediated an account-access dispute between a man and his hand puppet. Both claimed ownership. Both blamed each other for wasting my time. Case remains open. So does the account.
Emergency Evacuation Officer
An office, during happy hour · Until they stopped laughing (they didn’t)
Ordered a full evacuation over Critical Vulnerability Findings on Tenable. Was told “that’s why we have a firewall” and offered a drink. Declined. Never on the job. No longer on the invite list.
Recreational Fisherman
The lake · Weekends
A welcome rest after a long night of fighting cybercrime. Has been reported for phishing at least once. Responded professionally. (He did not.)

Recommendations (received: 4 · requested: 0)

“Said he had no time for games. Took the candy anyway. Then he flew. 10/10, would trick-or-treat again.”
The Kid in the Werewolf Costume · Treat Distribution Lead
“He wasted my time. Or I wasted his. We are still discussing it.”
The Puppet · Self-Appointed Account Owner
“Showed up shouting about phishing. I was fishing. We’re lake neighbors now. He’s quiet. He’s great.”
The Fisherman · Wrongly Escalated, 2026
“Caught him phishing on a weekend. Asked him to stop. His reply cannot be published on a professional network.”
The Other Witch · Floats Recreationally

Skills & endorsements

Prioritizing the right threats
Endorsed by 1 child in a costume
Running to every alert
Endorsed by his knees (reluctantly)
Saying no to drinks
Endorsed by 0 colleagues
Flight
Real threats only. Do not ask for a lift.
Ignoring false positives
Learning. Slowly. With snacks.

Licenses & certifications

Certified Trick-Proof
Issued by: the hard way
Licensed to Fly (Ransomware Class)
Credential ID: one bite
Advanced Puppet Diplomacy
Expired. Do not renew.
Activity
He has posted 0 times. No “I’m humbled to announce.” No carousel. No agree?
He closed 3 tickets while you read this.
People also ignored
4,809 false positives · 1 firewall · every happy hour since October
Treat the right threats.
His queue got a treat. Yours can too. — Treat Security
Get your queue a treat